Dating in My 40s: Why I’m Done Choosing Men Too Fast

As a reformed lover girl, I’m approaching dating in my 40s very differently than I ever have before.

Maybe it’s because I spent too much on and off in a toxic relationship. Maybe it’s because my last boyfriend literally made out with me and then discarded me on the spot with no warning at all (you can read about that here). Or maybe it’s just because I’m genuinely exhausted from ending up with men who ultimately… suck.

Probably all of the above.

Dating multiple men, while keeping my interests at the forefront, has been a weird experience for me. Historically, I’d meet someone who felt comfortable, who seemed to really see me, who was clearly into me… and I’d choose them almost immediately.

I’d settle into a relationship quickly, because honestly? Dating sucks. And once I felt chosen, I felt safe.

These days, I’m doing it differently.

Slowing Down My Lover Girl Tendencies

I’m no longer paying much attention to men who are completely enamored with me after one date. Instead, I’m looking for calm, steady, consistent behavior over time.

Don’t get me wrong, they obviously have to like me, and I have to like them too. But it’s not uncommon for me to meet men who are very vocal about how into me they are, how beautiful I am, how much they desire me.

Before, I interpreted that as safety.

I thought that because they wanted me so badly, they wouldn’t hurt me or leave me. That they’d naturally step up because of how much they liked me.

Maybe that sounds naive… but I think a lot of us do this.

As a single mom dating in my 40s, I know how good it feels to find someone who sees me, wants me and chooses me.

What I’ve learned, though, is that intense early interest isn’t proof of emotional availability, compatibility or staying power. Someone can be completely enamored with you and still not have the capacity to build a healthy relationship with you.

So now, I’m forcing myself to slow down.

What I’m Actually Looking For Now

Since getting back on the apps, a few potential contenders have emerged. But instead of focusing on how much they like me or desire me, I’m paying attention to three things.

Real-Life Compatibility

Chemistry tells me whether I want him. Compatibility tells me whether he actually fits into my life.

Do we have similar lifestyles, energy levels, and ideas of fun and adventure? Do they actually have time and space for me, and are they showing that through their actions?

If they have kids, do they parent in a way that feels aligned with how I parent? Do we share similar values when it comes to raising our children?

Do their religious or political views conflict with mine? What do they value in life and in a partner, and does that align with who I actually am?

Emotional Availability

Have they truly processed their past relationships?

How do they speak about their exes? Is there any emotional charge left? Anger, regret, bitterness, unresolved hurt?

At this stage, I’m only interested in men whose past relationships actually feel like the past. Lingering anger, obsession, bitterness or obvious longing toward an ex is a red flag for me.

When I ask deeper questions, are they curious about my inner world too? Do they want to know who I am beyond my physical presence?

For me, curiosity matters. I want a man who is interested in who I am beyond attraction; how I think, what matters to me, what makes me feel safe and what makes me feel loved. Without that kind of curiosity, I don’t see how someone can really understand me well enough to take care of my heart.

Clarity

Men who make me feel anxious or uncertain are out.

I pay close attention to whether a man’s words line up with his actions. If someone is texting or messaging me but not taking initiative to plan a date, I lose interest, even if I think he could be a good match.

I don’t chase men. I am responsive and engaged, but I don’t want to be responsible for constantly pushing a relationship forward.

For me, the greatest value a man can bring into my life is allowing me to rest in my feminine energy. If a man isn’t providing clarity, consistency, and follow-through, he’s not for me.

Letting the Lover Girl Die (A Little)

Changing how I date has been a journey.

My lover girl mentality had to die… at least in its old form. She was too trusting, too hopeful, and not grounded enough in reality.

While I love being in a relationship and the consistency it brings, I now understand that I need to give men enough time to show up with steady, reliable effort, while observing how genuinely interested they are over time.

For the Other Lover Girls Out There

If you’re a lover girl too, I encourage you to slow down.

Sit with a little ambiguity. Be patient. Give people enough time to show you who they are, and don’t feel like you need to chase anyone into choosing you.

You’ve made it this far on your own. You don’t need a man… you want a man. And the man you choose should add real, tangible value to your life.

Don’t commit until you understand what that value looks like.

I’d love to hear your own reformed lover girl tips, feel free to share them in the comments. Dating right now is weird, and we could all use a little wisdom and support while navigating it.

All my love,

XOXO,

That Mama