Spending My Birthday Alone (And Learning to Make It My Own)
Today is My Birthday
And it’s a weird one.
This is probably the first birthday I’ve had where I’m “alone” since separating from my ex-husband. Usually there’s been a boyfriend, or an ex hanging around, or even someone I was casually dating.
This year… there’s no one.
I don’t have a huge friend group, something I often think I should work on… but that’s a thought for another day. The friends I do have are busy with their own lives, so today is just falling a little flat.
Not Sad… Just Different
I don’t think I’m sad, necessarily.
It’s more like… I feel a bit complacent about it all.
Which is unusual for me.
I’m used to having someone around who makes this day a big deal. And this year, I guess that person needs to be me.
The Little Things Still Matter
My kids’ dad did get me a gift on their behalf; a candle and some new pajamas (two sizes too big, but we’ll ignore that 😂).
It was sweet. Thoughtful.
I won’t see my family until this weekend.
Today I’m off to work. I’m sure there will be a birthday lunch, which is lovely.
But overall… this birthday is definitely hitting differently.
Making My Own Plans
I’m not surprised there’s no one making a big deal out of today.
I kind of knew it would be this way.
So I made my own plan.
Tonight I’m taking the kids to my favorite restaurant. It’s expensive AF and absolutely not somewhere I need to be taking children… but I don’t care.
I want them to experience it.
And honestly, I just want to enjoy it.
I’m really looking forward to that.
Treating Myself (Because Why Not)
There’s also a very good chance I’ll stop and buy myself flowers on the way home.
Maybe a bag of my favorite candy.
And I’ve been wanting a new wallet, so part of me is very tempted to use my birthday as an excuse to splurge. Whether future me thinks that’s an excellent financial decision remains to be seen.
What I’m Learning
I think what I’m learning is this:
I can make a big deal of this day for myself.
Would I love someone to surprise me with flowers, gifts, and a night out?
Of course.
But I can also:
take myself to my favorite restaurant
buy my own flowers (thank you, Miley)
treat myself to something meaningful
And that counts too.
If You’re Also Spending Your Birthday Alone
Decide what would actually make the day feel good. Don’t worry about what people typically do on their birthdays, do what you want to do. Do what will give you a sense of peace, a sense of self, a sense of honoring who you are. If you want to go for a fancy dinner with the kids do it, if you want to sit at home in a robe and do a face mask, drink a glass of wine and enjoy your favorite snacks - do it.
Don’t wait on anyone to make plans for your big day. Try planning at least one think in advance before your birthday hits. Loneliness can feel even louder when you’re waiting for someone else, anyone else, to acknowledge your birthday or reach out to make plans. You can make this day special and in fact, no one knows you and what will matter most to you on your birthday, than you.
Spend intentionally, not emotionally. Ideally you set aside a birthday budget for your day, especially if you’re like me and your finances are a priority. Knowing what you can realistically spend and staying within that limit will manage all sort of guilt after the fact. Sometimes all you need is some flowers and your favorite takeout to make the day feel truly yours. The credit card hangover likely isn’t worth going overboard.
Personally, I’m loving the idea of creating new repeatable birthday traditions. Every year I’m going to buy myself birthday flowers and I’m going to treat the kids and I to a special dinner, somewhere they wouldn’t usually get to go. You get to decide how you want birthdays to look for yourself now, and I encourage you to make them perfectly tailored to you.
Birthdays Hit Different When You’re Single
Birthdays are weird as we get older.
Especially when you’re single.
So if you find yourself spending a birthday alone, or just with your kids, know this:
If your birthday looks different this year, it doesn’t mean it has to feel insignificant.
This is just a moment in time.
I still hope there are birthdays ahead where someone makes an enormous fuss over me. I like flowers. I like presents. I’m not evolving that much. But until then I’m not putting my life, and especially not my birthday, on hold.
XOXO,
That Mama
Learning to make this birthday mine is part of a much bigger shift I’ve been making lately: taking back control over the parts of my life I’ve quietly handed over to other people.