Why I Refuse to Entertain Lazy Men on Dating Apps
Men on dating apps are lazy. Let’s just be honest.
Spend enough time on dating apps and it’s not difficult to see how low-effort the whole thing can become. Men tend to swipe right considerably more often than women do, and sometimes it genuinely feels like the strategy is: swipe first, figure out whether I actually like her later.
I’m not interested in being one of 47 women you indiscriminately threw a yes at while watching hockey.
Now… this is not all men. But many men have resorted to lazy dating. And what I am not going to do is do the work for them.
When men dating this way wonder why they can’t find a good woman, I have an extremely sophisticated theory… perhaps try.
The Bare-Minimum Messaging Epidemic
I cannot tell you how many messages I receive that show absolutely zero curiosity about who I am.
“Thanks for matching with me.”
“I’m so glad we matched.”
Or they just heart your message… and leave you on read.
It’s wild.
Or worse… they disappear for a week, realize their low-effort tactics didn’t work on anyone else, and then circle back with, “Hey, how have you been?”
Maybe he cares. Maybe he doesn’t. I have no idea. What I do know is that he’s giving me absolutely nothing to work with, and I’m no longer creating both sides of the conversation just to find out.
It’s not all that hard to just show some fucking curiosity.
When Attraction Becomes Immediate Sexualization
Then there’s the other group of men, the ones who lead with how beautiful you are and immediately sexualize everything.
Yes, some men form connection through chemistry and physicality. That’s not inherently wrong. But for me, attraction isn’t enough. I need some baseline of emotional connection and trust before I want the conversation becoming heavily sexual.
If a man leads almost entirely with sexuality, I don’t need to diagnose why. I just know that he isn’t what I’m looking for. If he can’t get curious about who I am before trying to turn the conversation sexual, we’re probably not looking for the same kind of connection.
Do not fall into the trap.
It’s flattering.
It can even feel comforting.
But the reality is this man doesn’t know you… because he hasn’t taken the time to. Maybe that dynamic works for some, but it doesn’t work for me and I am sure there are plenty of women who feel the same way. I’ve learned that attraction without genuine curiosity eventually leaves me feeling unseen and I’m not going to allow myself to feel that way again.
So What Are We Going to Do Instead?
We are going to engage only when spoken to with respect and genuine interest.
If a man shows curiosity about you - engage.
If he does not - do not engage.
If he compliments you - say thank you and leave it there.
If the compliment is overtly sexual or makes you uncomfortable - do not engage.
That’s it. No explaining. No softening. No justifying.
Boundaries Are Not Punishment
I know firsthand what it’s like to be lonely.
To crave the comfort of having a consistent person woven into your everyday life.
But it is not worth tying yourself to a man who doesn’t even care to know you.
If he leaves you on read… don’t respond.
If he says he wants to take you out but doesn’t make firm plans… consider yourself available for other opportunities.
Clarity matters. Effort matters. Action matters.
The Truth Men Don’t Want to Admit
This actually isn’t hard. Showing genuine interest isn’t complicated.
Some men I’ve encountered just aren’t willing to invest much effort. Sometimes this could just be where they’re at in the beginning stages, but I don’t want to stick around and find out that it stays that way… and spoiler alert, my experience usually says it does. Its a man’s prerogative to stay low-effort; its my prerogative not to reward it.
All it takes is:
consistency
curiosity
respect
follow-through
If he’s not offering those things… keep looking.
Stop trying to coach basic effort out of someone who isn’t offering it.
The Men Who Get It
There are men out there who understand this.
They ask about your life.
They don’t rush to sexualize the conversation.
They show consistency.
They actually plan a date.
You don’t have to literally drag the connection forward for them.
Do not lower your standards.
Be polite, but firm in your boundaries and clear about what is, and is not, for you.
Dating is a tough landscape right now. But the goal isn’t to entertain everyone, it’s to find someone aligned. The older we get it can feel like time is running short and that the options are thinning out, but please don’t rush. Don’t settle. Take your time really evaluating connections you make and figuring out what you really need from a potential partner.
I’m not asking a man to perform for me. I am asking him to actively participate.
Dating is already time-consuming enough. I have no interest in dragging conversations forward, translating vague intentions or trying to manufacture curiosity where there isn’t any.
This should be simple:
If you’re interested, act interested. Ask something… anything! Make the plan, follow through. Be respectful. And for the love of God, please don’t make it my job to chase after you - participate in the process.
I am more than happy to meet a man halfway… heck at this point I’d probably meet him even more than halfway… I’m just done walking the whole fucking distance and calling it dating.
All my love,
XOXO,
That Mama